Yesterday I went to the bookshop and spent my very own sweet time in the shop, looking at all the books, touching them feeling them, connecting with them. I liked many of them, I loved some of them and in the end decided to buy 3 of them. Jane Austen’s Emma, Curfewed Nights by Bashrat Peer, Lead your life by Louise Hay.
Earlier I used to read books suggested by my friends, but now I have started to explore my own preferences, I take books that interest me, intrigue me. I have my very own, super original way of choosing a book. If, for instance I find a book’s cover attractive I pick it up in my hands, get a feel of the cover (no my hand doesn’t have those censors), and then I flip open page no. 30 on the book and start reading it. According to me, the text on this page connotes the kind of book it is going to be, and if I should read it or not. Honestly, that’s exactly how I go about it; page no. 30 is the page that helps me decide whether the book is my lover or a chariot for deep slumber or sheer torture.
After choosing the books I went up to the cash counter, the lady at the counter being extra nice, “oh nice choice of books!”.(What was I, the first buyer of the day??), “thank you”, I said politely while rummaging through my bag for my wallet. That’s when it started. I started to think whether I actually wanted these books, will I like them, will I be able to read them, what if they end up sitting around my table- virgin, what if mom finds out that I am spending all my money on the books, when I should be out shopping for clothes or something, that girls my age do?? Ah! That’s too many questions, I stood still for sometime in front of the extra nice lady at the counter, with my wallet in my hand, staring at those books and spaced out. I nevertheless paid for the books, my heart oscillating between the heart chamber and my knees. I felt guilty. Guilty of having spent my father’s hard earned money on these books. I have no right to indulge or be extravagant using his money. Indulgence is one skill that I have never learnt. (I think indulging means enjoying to the core, anything that I do.) I started to walk towards the rickshaw pullers to go home. Walking like a zombie, I managed to find a rickshaw puller to deliver my guilty soul home (hostel). This is the reason that I can’t shop, Im totally unable to participate in this normal girls leisure activity. The guilt is too much to handle, its way more than the pleasures the new things might bring.
Well I was zapped back to reality by the rickshaw wallahs, question,”kidhar utarna hai, market mein ya kothi mein?” (where do u want to get off in the market or the bunglow area?). “Market mein” (in the market are). After getting off I went home had a cup of tea and started to read through the books. I realized I wont be able to shop if don’t start earning. But till then, window shopping is a very good idea!